Jesus and the Wiggles.

It was February of 2010 when I awoke to find myself staring at a strange, unfamiliar ceiling. As my vision began to focus and my hearing became clear, I realized that it wasn’t my bedroom ceiling, but that of an ambulance speeding toward the emergency room.

“Hey buddy, do you know where you are?” I heard.

“I…uh…I’m in an ambulance, I think.”

“That’s right—everything’s going to be okay.”

“Where is my wife? What happened? What’s going on?”

“It’s alright. You had a seizure. Your wife is following us to the hospital—we’ll be there in a few minutes.”

This was very surreal. Was I still dreaming? I was a bit outside of myself and wasn’t quite sure what was going on.

I don’t remember much of that day (thankfully); I only have a feint, blurry recollection of events. I remember my wife and my friend, Kody being at the emergency room when I arrived. And I remember feeling as though time had slowed down. But I most remember not really remembering anything at all.

I had experienced a grand mal seizure. Don’t really know what that is? Neither did I, so I had to look it up. The Mayo Clinic describes it as such:

A grand mal seizure — also known as a tonic-clonic seizure — features a loss of consciousness and violent muscle contractions. It’s the type of seizure most people picture when they think about seizures in general.Grand mal seizure is caused by abnormal electrical activity throughout the brain. In some cases, this type of seizure is triggered by other health problems, such as extremely low blood sugar or a stroke. However, most of the time grand mal seizure is caused by epilepsy.Many people who have a grand mal seizure will never have another one. However, some people need daily anti-seizure medications to control grand mal seizure.

Scary stuff. The positive side of things is that it happened while I was in bed and not while driving to work. But it certainly had a traumatic effect on my wife, Amanda, who experienced the entire thing from a much more difficult position. While she stayed relatively calm and reacted rationally, it goes without saying that it was very stressful for her; the thoughts and memories lingered for months afterward. And eventually it was difficult on me as I felt a lot of guilt for causing her distress.

I had never had a seizure of this sort. However, apparently I had experienced a few mini-seizures prior to this—some dating back a few years. Generally, when a seizure is about to occur, a person experiences something called an aura. This takes different forms. Some people experience a certain smell, others a taste (generally metallic in nature), some hear things or have visual signs, while others experience a déjà vu kind of thing. That’s me.

Prior to this happening, I was experiencing this weird sensation that I found very difficult to articulate. The best I could do is to equate it with a déjà vu dream-like experience. So when I heard that this is an actual symptom, I was very relieved. Here’s how I often explained it:

When this would happen (which was sometimes multiple times per day/hour/minute, and other times not for months at a time), I would have this very quick picture pop into my head. It was so fleeting that before I could even process it, it was gone. Even now I can’t really describe what it was, but it was always the same. I remember something about a band like Duran Duran on an old, de-tuned TV or something…It was weird and certainly not anything I want to dwell upon.

Prior to the big seizure, I had gone to a few different doctors to diagnose and treat this. I was told that I was sleep deprived due to stress and had a propensity toward narcoleptic blinks, where I would enter a dream state for a fraction of a second. I was given some sleeping pills and sent on my way. When that didn’t help, I was told that I probably had a pinched nerve in my neck and I should visit a massage therapist. A while had gone by with no issues when out of the blue it happened again.

A few years ago, my grandfather passed away. It was during a relatively stressful time and brought me much sadness. While in Wyoming for the funeral, I recall standing in my mom’s kitchen and spreading butter on some toast when all of a sudden that image rushed my mind, the adrenaline flowed, and I thought to myself, “Wow, I feel really sleepy.”

I woke up on the kitchen floor with my mom standing over me, calling my name. I chalked it up to the stress of the situation and perhaps the tweaked muscles in my neck. Or from the long drive to my hometown. Or from sleeping on a different pillow. It was still scary, however.

On the drive back home to Colorado, I started experiencing these little auras with more frequency. I was terrified, trying to keep myself completely focused on the road and praying the entire time that all would be okay. In retrospect, this was probably one of the most stupid things I have ever done. But I didn’t know at the time what was going on—I just figured it was stress and/or muscle stuff. It was the longest five hour drive ever. My hands hurt from gripping the steering wheel so tightly and my eyes hurt from straining to focus intently on the road ahead. I thank God that I made it home safely.

After many tests and many more dollars, the doctors were unable to pinpoint the exact cause of the seizure. My brain looked fine, and I was very grateful for that.

It was a slow recovery over the next few months as my body tried to regulate itself to the new anti-seizure medicine that I had been given. After a few tweaks in the meds, I was finally able to lose this fuzzy-headed feeling that I had been experiencing since the seizure. One medicine in particular made my skin feel like it was electric. After being touched (especially on the face for some reason), there was a weird delay where I didn’t feel anything. Then all of a sudden, I felt the touch and what seemed like little pulses of electric tickles rippling from that area. It was interesting, but very annoying when it hung around for days and days—not to mention the weird visual light trails and general dopiness.

I lost the privilege of driving for three months and had to rely on the generosity of a coworker who gave me a ride to work each morning. Through this helpless reliance, I learned humility and appreciation for what it meant to have freedom in mobility.

So what does all of this have to do with Jesus and the Wiggles?

While I could have looked on at this experience with fear, or anger, or resentment, I found myself grateful for the fact that it happened. You see, I believe that God allowed this to occur so that I would slow down, reset and refocus my mind and heart on Him.

I always had considered myself a Christian, but for many years I pushed God further and further away until He was on the back burner and not a priority. I only really spoke to Him when I needed something—when things weren’t going my way.

He wasn’t an active part of my life. I wasn’t conversing with Him. I wasn’t acknowledging Him. I wasn’t appreciating His unshakable goodness, creativity and love. He was there and I was here and that’s what life was. And then I got the wiggles.

Other than a few special events in my life, this was honestly one of the best things that had ever happened to me. Life had slowed down long enough for me to breathe. Although it was fuzzy, my mind was clear for the first time in a long while. I spent two weeks unable to work as I recuperated. In that time, I felt God’s hand and heard the still small voice in which He so often speaks.

He gave me a gift—not one wrapped in a pretty bow or surrounded with joyful fanfare—but one that is worth more than a mountain of gold. I stepped outside of myself, let the old person go and moved closer to Him—a decision I could never regret and of which I am so humbly grateful. I have never looked back at the man I had been.  I have no desire to continue on those wide roads to nowhere on which I had been selfishly and obliviously traveling.  Instead, I have found a generous, compassionate companion to help me back on to His narrow road—one that has a destination of promise and beautiful adventure.

While it’s sad that it literally took a good shaking to wake up from the zombie slumber of sin I was in, I have a hard time wondering what took me so long to wake up. Had I not had the wiggles, I don’t know what condition my spirit would be in today. My priorities have changed. My outlook has changed. My interests in frivolous and disposable things certainly have changed. My relationship with Jesus has gone from a sad simmer to a vigorous boil as He has moved from the back burner to front and center. He shook up His house, did spring cleaning, and has moved in with nothing but good, beautiful and sturdy furnishings. He even installed a sky light in the ceiling to better keep my eyes on the heavens.  That’s one ceiling I don’t mind waking up to.