There’s a certain line from an old movie called Love Story in which Ali MacGraw says to Ryan O’Neal, “Love means never having to say you’re sorry.” I couldn’t disagree more.
John Lennon once offered a contrary version: “Love means having to say you’re sorry every five minutes.” I disagree with that, too.
To show true love is to embrace a position of humility—true humility. This isn’t the kind that devalues your own feelings and virtues, but instead recognizes them in others and gives honor and respect. It’s understanding that you are no better than anyone else, despite your biased, idealized view of yourself. It’s recognizing that you aren’t always right and when you are wrong, admitting it with sincere honesty.
Saying “I’m sorry” adds to another’s emotional bank account. It lets them truly feel that they have important value in your life. It defuses discord, removes resentment and builds trust. We are not perfect. We have, do, and will continue to make mistakes—small ones and significant ones. Not saying “I’m sorry” for the mistakes you have made is a form of arrogant self-idolatry. While I understand the underlying sentiment in Ali MacGraw’s line—that you should love someone so deeply as to never do anything that would require you to take an apologetic stance—it simply is an unrealistic demand.
So what does love really mean? What does it look like? It is best said by Paul the Apostle in his letter to the early church at Corinth:
“Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.”
That’s love.
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