Friends?

You’ve probably heard it said, “You can’t choose your family, but you can choose your friends.” That’s true, and for some people that’s a good thing—not everyone is blessed with the love and support of a close-knit family. So they create for themselves a surrogate. Yet sometimes the “friends” we choose really aren’t friends at all. Sometimes, we choose bad friends—bad friends that prevent us from having good ones.Growing up, I had only a handful of people who I would have called friends. In retrospect, however, some of them really weren’t friends at all—they were a bad influence, misguided in their own shortcomings and insecurities, and ultimately toxic. It was because of my need to be needed and my want to be wanted that I invited them into my life and kept them for as long as I did, even as it caused me to make really bad decisions and compromise my conscience.

There’s an old proverb that says “Tell me your friends, and I’ll tell you who you are.” 

For the longest time, I only had two or three good people to whom I was close (two of which I still consider family and will always love)—all others I would simply consider acquaintances. I had been burned by a number of so-called “friends” that the poison of their stings soured me on the idea of inviting people into my city walls. But, after many of years of disappointing, superficial pseudo-friendships, I am so extremely grateful to now be blessed with an amazing group of beautiful friends—the kind that I know if trouble struck, when the rest of the world would walk out, they would remain. They bring me joy and laughter, are trustworthy and consistent, are kind and honest, and are genuine in their love and care for me. If you offered me a billion dollars (which is a lot of dollars), I would not forsake nor trade them in.

In the Old Testament book of Job, when all has gone wrong and he has lost nearly everything (family, fortune, health, happiness) Job’s friends sat quietly with him in his suffering—they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was. Even when Job’s own wife told him to just “curse God and die,” these friends stayed true.

Ralph Waldo Emerson said, “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” If you want positive, encouraging, healthy friendships, you need to take action and be that kind of friend; friendship is not born of words alone. If you have amazing friends, consider yourself blessed—make the opportunity to do what you can to express just how grateful you are to have them in your life. But if the “friends” in your life tend to bring you more grief than joy, perhaps it’s time to reexamine the necessity to keep them in your life.

Friends should, like a city wall, help protect you from those who would delight in your destruction. If you’ve found that a toxic, so-called “friend” has taken up residency in your city, it’s important to consider sending a serious eviction notice. Some friends are like wolves in sheep’s clothing—they don’t really care about you or they are simply taking advantage of you for their own selfish reasons.

However, some people are just unaware of their selfishness or are so damaged that they don’t even know how to be a friend. They want to be wanted as well. So if you can, as much as it depends upon you, speak the truth in love and make an effort to change the dynamic of your relationship. Be honest. If they are a true friend, they will accept your frank truthfulness and be wise enough to change. If not, well, they weren’t truly the kind that you need or deserve. An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than an enemy; an enemy may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your heart and mind. The time to make true friends is before you need them.

** If you enjoyed this post, please consider sharing it with others—especially those who need good friends.