Do you see what I see?

Do roses have thorns, or do the thorns have roses? It’s a matter of perspective, really. Sure, thorns aren’t the most pleasant of things, but doesn’t the beauty of the flower itself far outweigh the sharp, ugly barbs?

Often, what you see depends entirely upon what you are looking for. 

Many of us have been on the receiving end of someone who is hypercritical. And many of us are guilty of doing the same thing. It is so very easy to focus on and be quick to point out even the tiniest of flaws in others. We latch on to a mistake someone has made or onto something they have done in a way that we would not have done it, and we use that as a weapon to dishonor, humiliate, demean and tear them down. And, over time, these things are all we begin to see.

Sadly, this happens most often in our close relationships. We begin to take our spouses for granted instead of being their cheerleader and fan. We talk down to our kids, quick to nitpick the little, oftentimes insignificant things they do. We take no notice of the positive things they have done and fail to celebrate them and instill within them a strong sense of worth.You see your kid as lazy because laziness is what you look for; when he/she takes initiative in another area, you are so blind from intensely focusing on their shortcomings that you don’t even notice their efforts. You are frustrated that your husband can never do anything right (i.e. your way) because you don’t see his perspective in the way of doing things. And all the little things he does do the “right” way come and go without acknowledgment or appreciation. You see people as frustrating because you scrutinize them, looking for those things that most frustrate you, and as such you possibly miss out on experiencing the great things they have to offer.If you look for faults, you will find faults—in everyone and everything. And you will be miserable, probably making others’ lives miserable as well. Yes, people have their idiosyncrasies and hangups, but when we intently zoom in on these thorns, we run the risk of missing the beauty. This darkens and narrows our perspective, and it feeds our frustration, preventing us from really loving them as every human deserves to be loved.

Do you want healthy relationships? Humble yourself. Bite your tongue. Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to get angry. Maybe your way is not always the best way. Maybe their way, even though different from yours, is another perfectly legitimate way of achieving the same result.

When you recognize that you are being critical, narrow-minded, snippy or pridefully insulting, stop. It may be difficult or it may be very easy, but instead find something about that person that you appreciate and think upon that thing. Go so far as to point it out to them. Thank them. Compliment them. Build them up.

We all like to be liked and love to be loved. Belittlement and judgment are perfect poisons to self-esteem and sense of worth. Conflict begets conflict. Negativity begets negativity. Don’t have anything nice to say about someone? Find something—it’s there. Everyone has immense worth and all have unique beauty; we just have to look beyond the thorns and change what it is we are looking for.


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