Do you feel like a hamster trapped on a wheel that just spins and spins and for whatever reason just doesn’t seem to go anywhere? Stop running. You’re not going anywhere because the path you are on is stuck in a fixed position.
Many of us find ourselves most frustrated in our relationships with people we care about. But do we really care about them, or do we mostly care about ourselves? Most relational failures happen because we make excuses instead of decisions. It’s not my fault. She’s always saying this. He never does that. Well, what are you doing?
Every day, every moment is a new chance to choose. You can face issues and fix problems, or you can foolishly continue to sink in misery and aggravation. The recipe for relational success contains four simple ingredients that, when mixed together, yield amazing things:
Be humble. Communicate. Appreciate. Forgive.
You are not always right. If you were always right, there would never be anything left. If you take a position of humility, remembering that your spouse or your friend or your family member might have a different perspective and experience than you, then you’ll have the key ingredient which is the catalyst for change.
Equally as important is communication. Except for quacks on trashy talk shows, people cannot read your mind. You need to communicate—but do it respectfully. Saying what you need in a calm, loving way makes such a difference. Sometimes a humble, “I’m sorry,” even when it’s difficult to say, is powerful enough to open a heart and pave the way for healing.
Be mindful of your (re)actions. Make a conscious effort to be slow to react, gentle in your words and willing to change yourself in order to better the relationship. Stop putting weighty expectations on others and instead strive to be conscious of the bricks in your hands that you are using to build a wall. Put them down and pick up things that will help build up the other person.
When we are wounded in a relationship, we tend to unfairly demonize the other person. We begin to focus on their deficiencies and idiosyncrasies, overlooking their good qualities—those things that brought us together in the first place. Make a purposeful decision to appreciate those things and to show it. Even though your first reaction is to do something to further tear them down, instead do and say something to build them up. Focus on this.
And forgive. Even though the other person does not walk on water, neither do you. Stop keeping score. They may initially keep adding ticks to their scoreboard, but you don’t have to. If you are faithful in being humble, trying to communicate, being appreciative and forgiving, eventually there is a good chance that they’ll stop keeping score as well.
What you see in your friend, or partner, or family member depends entirely upon what it is you are looking for. Stop staring at your feet as you run exhaustedly on the hamster wheel, step off and move forward.
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