Over Labor Day weekend, I received an email from my boss, David, informing our team that he would not be in on Tuesday and would be taking a personal day—a very personal one. You see, that day his wife of eighteen years passed away while he was at her bedside. It was expected; she had been battling rather nasty cancer for fourteen years and had been declining in the last few weeks. She had her days where things weren’t so bad, but mostly they were a difficult struggle. He said that she was the most courageous person that he had ever known that that he was very lucky to be with her.And although he is grateful that her suffering is over, obviously he is devastated—something he anticipated. Even though he had mentally prepared himself for the eventuality of her passing, it doesn’t remove the sting of watching your best friend slip away after a difficult, long-fought battle.
I’ve never been good at knowing quite what to say in situations such as these. I’ve never experienced this direct kind of loss, so I only have the ability to sympathize rather than have that true connection of empathy. But I do know that grief is grief. It’s difficult and emotional and extremely sad. But it is also necessary. To grieve someone is to pay tribute to them, for in that, we demonstrate the impact and importance they had in our lives. It’s not a selfish thing—you’ve lost someone valuable and it hurts. It’s a process and it takes time.
There are a myriad of different words that could be said and I cringe at some of words I have heard spoken to those who have lost a friend or a loved one. So, I tread lightly with the hope of not pouring salt into their wound. I offer the only thing I can offer—love. The only things that my heart compelled me to say to David is that he is loved, that I could only begin to understand his sorrow, that I truly am sorry, and that I am here for him in any way he needs, whether that was through service, conversation, or even silent presence. And I offered him encouragement in knowing that he is in my thoughts and my prayers, which he certainly is.
Although I don’t think we share the same faith, the sentiment is the same. I know that he respects by beliefs and I trust that he will find encouragement in my telling him that my prayer for him is this: that God will give him comfort and peace; that his heart and mind would be flooded with memories of the good times he had with his wife; and even though the heartbreak is there, that he will be drawn to the amazingly positive things she gifted to him which he has embedded in his heart.
I believe that there are different types of grief—bad grief, which is comprised of hopelessness and regret, and good grief, which even though it’s painful, ultimately brings comfort when we focus on celebrating the life of a loved one. Thankfully for David, he was able to prepare himself for this moment and his wife left in knowing that she was loved. This opportunity allows him to heal without having the same regrets or lack of closure that so many others often experience. Painful as it was, he has been blessed with the gift of saying goodbye.
Sometimes, people unexpectedly leave us without the chance for closure, without opportunity for reconciliation, without reason. It’s a different grieving process because those memories of the good things, and the beautiful things about someone are overshadowed by unresolved words, unfinished business or bad blood. Regret and anger are mixed with sorrow and poison one’s heart. It’s difficult to find good grief when so much was bad. It’s not impossible, but it certainly is not as easy. It’s necessary, but it can be harder to find.
It’s so important to live at peace with others, and with yourself. There’s a verse in Ephesians (4:26) where Paul writes, “…Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” In other words, make peace—not only so that you can have peace with those who are still here, but also so that it will be more easily obtained when they are gone. He goes on to say, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you.” (4:29-32) How much easier it is to say goodbye to someone, to celebrate their life and find peace in your heart, when debts are forgiven, grace is extended, and relationships mended.
While David had time to mentally prepare for the passing of his wife, many people don’t have that opportunity. People can be taken away in an instant. That’s why it is so important to not let the sun go down while you are angry, to make peace wherever you can, and to (in the words of David) “hug your loved ones, life is precious.” And be sensitive to those who are grieving—they are fragile and wounded, hurting and empty. If you can be there through acts of service, be there. If you can offer kind words and encouragement, say them. If they simply need you to be with them in silence, be quiet and be there. Your turn to grieve might be near. It’s better to grieve with the support of others than it is to attempt to do it alone. That’s good grief.
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