In any close relationship, there are without question moments of bliss and moments of absolute frustration; peaks and valleys, highs and lows. Marriage in particular is one of the most challenging yet rewarding relationships we could ever experience—two different people, two different personalities, not related by blood but bound by a mutual vow to love, honor and cherish one another. But what happens with you become so frustrated with your spouse (friend, family member, co-worker) that you want to lock them in a closet and purposefully lose the key, or worse? My wife and I have had many different seasons in the history of our relationship, some of them rather bleak and frustrating, and others magical. It was during those trying times—in those moments of sheer frustration—that we would experience some pretty ugly arguments and fights. It was draining for both of us; it wasn’t honoring of one another and it certainly was not healthy.
Men are thick. We just are—especially when it comes to understanding and communicating well with our wives. Men, if you disagree, well it only further proves the point. In my case, far too often I was oblivious to the stupid things I would do (or not do), and/or say (or not say). I was slow to pick up on things that, even though they didn’t seem as important to me, were in fact important to her. In hindsight, and more often than not, her wisdom was spot-on. Being a freeform, creative thinker with a touch of ADD, I was generally ignorant of the seriousness of her frustrations—so much so that when her emotional reservoir was full and her dam burst, the flood hit hard. It wasn’t pretty.
And then something changed. It was during one of our more tense arguments that my wife, at the end of her rope, simply said, “I am going to punch you in the liver.”
What?!
I don’t know if that sentence had ever been uttered in all of human history. It was so out of place and bizarre, and it did something magical—it broke the tension and I began to laugh. It diffused the explosive situation we were in, bringing us back to civility and allowed us to work out our disagreement in a more calm and respectful way.
“I am going to punch you in the liver.” It’s not a very nice thing to say, really. I mean, who wants to be punched in the liver, especially by a loved one? Thankfully, our relationship has taken a completely different turn; I am happier now than I ever have been. I value and cherish and respect my wife, and even though it isn’t perfect, we have a strong, loving relationship. You see, when we do have a disagreement, or when she finds herself getting frustrated with me, she uses our code phrase: “I am going to punch you in the liver.” As soon as I hear that, no matter what we are arguing about, I know that she is serious and that I had better reorient my thinking/behavior.
Physical violence is NEVER an answer to solving any problem—NOT EVER. However, my wife and I share a wry, cheeky sense of humor. We know that neither one of us would ever hurt the other in such a way. But we’ve found a useful tool through using a weird code phrase to interrupt any argument in such a strange way. Maybe your phrase could be something a little more out-of-the-box: “Crackers are in the barn at midnight.” or “I am going to artichoke you, you puff pastry spider monkey.” Whatever it is, using humor to derail a locomotive speeding out of control is a powerful thing.
There are other factors that have played into the healing and growth of our relationship—mainly our shared faith in God and us inviting Him to be the glue in our marriage (I can’t even begin to explain the transformation we have experienced). But strangely enough, liver punching was one of the first steps in learning to communicate. Who knew?
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